For April 18, 2005. Here it is, the nickname of the beast, growleth the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild, and this is BONG Bull No. 666!
ELECTION SEASON. Here's a tickler file to watch for during the Papal Enclave in Vatican City, based on the modern American campaign expertise:
-- When the election comes down to a handful of finalists, watch for the Swift Boat Veterans to find a member who went to seminary with one or more cardinals. He'll testify that in footraces across the surface of the campus pond, the leading contender tripped his closest competitor, who fell in a huge splash, emerged covered with muck and pond scum and became a Texas lawyer.
-- Talk radio hostess Laura Ingraham will be on Larry King to debate the president of Notre Dame on the leading contender's merits. When Laura loses a point, she will throw a tantrum and screech the clock away, as always.
-- In response to a fall-off in campus speaking engagements, Ann Coulter will offer to bring her own pie-thrower.
-- Phyllis Schlafly, poster girl of every Republican convention since Nixon's first, will demand the disqualification of any cardinal who refuses to kiss a rattlesnake.
-- Sean Hannity will point out 381 times in two broadcasts that Bill Clinton isn't a Catholic but any church member can still write in a vote against him, Hillary, Chelsea or Socks the cat. And in a spirit of fairness, pray for the late Buddy the chocolate Lab.
-- Karl Rove will drop a hint to a briefing-room shill that the leading candidate is a bingo fanatic.
-- Tom DeLay will call the Ten Commandments "the Democratic agenda."
-- At a whistle-stop in Dubuque, Dennis Kucinich will vanish from sight under a bishop's mitre.
OUR FRIENDS THE LENSPEOPLE. What's the least used sentence in the English language? "Isn't that the photographer's Porsche?"
What do you say to a photographer in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?"
NOT TO MENTION OUR FRIENDS THE OPINION MAKERS. How long does it take to train an editorial writer? Nobody knows.
AND OF COURSE THE SNORTS SPEWS GUYS. What is the definition of a 2-man sports project team? A 12-man sports project team after a boxing match in Las Vegas.
WE INTERRUPT THIS ENCYCLICAL. Gotta pay some bills:
Visit BONG's News Gorilla store at . New stuff added.
SPOTS WORTH SEEING. The Martini Recipes and Editorial Quality Committee has been tough on TV ad spots of the Doofus Marketing School (the nitwit so caught up in his Grape-Nuts that he doesn't notice the bear routing his camping partner and dragging the tent away). So it is with great humility and fairness that the committee applauds some good spots lately:
-- The guy in the bear or dog suit for Dasani water ("Takes the taste of tennis balls right outa your mouth!").
-- The Kia Sportage spot that ends with the waitress catching the keys, dumping dinner for eight and heading for the truck.
CHECK IT OUT. Progressive auto insurance saves the Chief Copyboy's household more than $800 per year on two cars. See what a clean driving record gets you? Even in Texas, it pays to resist the temptation to use a corner of the Park Avenue to nudge a pointy-toed-booted nitwit and his F-150 off the overpass. Drive carefully, shop around and -– above all else -- use those mirrors.
COMIX SECTION. The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic,
Ace Photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and
his Faithful Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
PANEL ONE: With a last arpeggio on the Bait Shoppe's upright
piano, Typo smiles, "There you have it, Boss! A march to honor the
Commercial Scimitar! And why should the Washington Post be the only
one with a Sousa tune?"
Looking up from his martini mug, Speed splutters, "March...?
PANEL TWO: Typo announces, "You got it, Boss! This is for
every night-shifter and ambulance-chaser out there. Key of B flat,
4/4 time everyone, trombones gravelly, drums on the rim, and...
"Out of the frigid darkling night we come with the news and
"Bringing you recipes for quince and two dozen reasons to bolt
"Give you fits,
"And every Sunday the publisher's column makes you wish you'd
been born a fish!"
PANEL THREE: Typo continues, "Second strain, now we hear from
the reeds! And...
"First with the news you saw last week on all of the network TV
"Down to the wire by just a squeak we bring you the wisdom Heloise knows,
"Check your guns,
"And just try to stuff a cable dish into the cage where your
PANEL FOUR: As Speed gawks at the other bar patrons marching
around the free-lunch table, Typo brags, "We can get the gurgle out
of the horns and solve the copyright problem on the tune of 'El
Capitan' in time for the 4th of July parade, Boss! Whaddya think?"
PANEL FIVE: Speed speculates, "Well, Absentee Publisher Gimlet
Peen will go along if he can be bass drummer, but...!"
Typo interrupts, "I'm ahead of you on that, Boss, and you're
right! Features Editor Hyperba Lee will want to wear her majorette
costume! But it can still work if we hide her behind the tubas!"
BONG is the product of Charles Stough, who took the week off to be safe from crazed tourists and drunken politicians in San Antonio during Fiesta week! Email firstname.lastname@example.org for any reason.