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For April 6, 2005. Hang in there, Peter Jennings, says the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild, and this is BONG Bull No. 665!
COUNTER-PULITZER PRIZES FOR 2005. Let the winners and losers of the real honors brawl and backbite. No one has ever complained at being overlooked by the Counter-Pulitzer Committee:
BEST ARGUMENT FOR HANGING UP THE PHONE, GETTING OUT OF THE OFFICE AND WORKING THE BEAT FACE-TO-FACE: Bill O'Reilly, phone sex purveyor and Fox commentator.
BEST ARGUMENT FOR USING A TAPE RECORDER: Andrea Mackris, O'Reilly's quarry.
SO THIS IS THE BIG TIME: Jeff Gannon-James Guckert, homosexual hooker and White House reporter.
WHY A DOG IS A BETTER COMPANION THAN A CITY EDITOR: The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you; dogs will forgive you for talking to other dogs; dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across; dogs seldom outlive you; dogs don't whistle in the newsroom; dogs find you amusing when you're drunk; dogs don't let articles from other newspapers guide their lives; when your dog gets old and senile, you can have it put to sleep.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PUBLISHERS AND THE REST OF US: According to Tom Parmenter, William Randolph Hearst could turn newspaper pages with his toes; said it gave him some distance to study layouts.
PORNUCOPIA: Federal Communications Commission Chairman Kevin J. Martin, on the subject of indecent shows, says he prefers to let competition and marketplace forces rule cable TV programming.
YOU GOTTA TAKE THE HITS TO MAKE IT IN THIS BUSINESS, KID: To Shepard Smith, Fox News, for scooping commercial and cable media with the announcement of Pope John Paul II's death. He even beat the pope.
BEST FORMULA FOR DISAPPEARING FROM SIGHT, TV DIVISION: Al Gore, cable TV mogul.
BEST FORMULA FOR DISAPPEARING FROM SIGHT, NEWSPAPER DIVISION: Robert Novak, columnist who blew the whistle on former CIA operative and wife of Bush adversary Valerie Plame, whose name somehow hasn't come up in the federal investigation of the leak even as probers threaten jail time for journalists who didn't print the tip.
BEST FOIL FOR HUMOR OCLUMNISTS ON A SLOW DAY: Majority Leader Tom DeLay, ace Republican fundraiser, friend to Russian lobbyists, superior provider for his family and gerrymandering mapmaker.