Newsgorilla

Thursday, January 15, 2004


Visit the News Gorilla store at . Good stuff in the store this week, and those lurking holiday shopping obligations can easily be vanquished online! Still time to get delivery right to your door of eye-catching mugs, stylish garments and the newspaper pejoratives 2004 calendar!

For Jan. 15, 2004. No, Dayton Daily News, you don’t get a deal on license plates just because so many of your former employees are in the license plate factory. You still have to renew every January 1, but you know that now, notes the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild, and this is BONG Bull No. 638!

MAJOR PUBLISHING NEWS. In its role as defender of all that is meet and just, the Committee for Archives and Vacuum Cleaner Bags announces that this august assembly’s first volume of immortal prose is available in every medium thus far devised. Go to Lulu http://www.lulu.com/charley and see:
-- Real Trouble Now, a compilation of BONG Bull editorial matter from of about 1992-94, available as a paperback book, on CD, or as a PDF for browse or 1.3-meg download. Thanks to Lulu.com technology and your computer, you can have this first of many collections from BONG right in your cubicle with you forever.
-- Speaking of cubicles, the latest thing in sterile, depersonalized office environments is Cubicle Art. The Lulu store also offers five delightful (and downloadable, or on CD) watercolor or Photoshop artworks by the Chief Copyboy, suitable for framing as 5x7 cubicle clutter, and at only $2 who cares if they get splashed or battered at the next office party? One of the artworks, for example, is a dandy little spittoon.
That’s Lulu .
The Subcommittee on Repetititive Stressss Ininjury notes that there is a large potload of BONG Bull archival matter and BONGers can look forward to many more volumes of stuff, even omitting the ephemera like those many foolproof World Series predictions. Next to press (in a few weeks): An entire book devoted to the Deft Duo, our pals Speed and Typo!

COUNTER-PULITZER PRIZES FOR 2004. Well, it’s been a big year for the news business, but we’ll try to cover the low spots.
-- THE SLOW NEWS DAY PRIZE FOR GETTING BEN AND J. LO OFF THE WEDDINGS PAGE. To Britney Spears and whichever Jason Alexander she snags this week.
-- LONGEST LEGS ON A STATE-OF-THE-UNION SPEECH. To President George W. Bush, who made news all year by exposing the previously unknown key player in world nuclear proliferation, Niger. Honorable Mention: Also to Dubbya, for associating so closely with a key ally against nuclear proliferation, Pakistan.
-- THANKS FOR GETTING KOBE BRYANT OFF THE PAGE 1 BUDGET: Michael Jackson.
-- THANKS FOR GETTING MICHAEL JACKSON OFF THE PAGE 1 BUDGET: Rush Limbaugh.
-- THANKS FOR GETTING RUSH LIMBAUGH OFF THE PAGE 1 BUDGET: Kobe Bryant.
-- NOISIEST BUT LEAST NOTICED LOSS TO PUBLISHING: Rosie.
-- THE NOSE FOR NEWS THAT WON’T QUIT: Rosie O’Donnell, who bounced back from Rosie magazine to announce she is investing in a Broadway musical based on the life of Boy George.
-- BEST FUTURE IN CORPORATE PUBLIC RELATIONS AFTER HE GETS BACK FROM HIS LETTERMAN GIG: Baghdad Bob.
-- BEST PUBLICITY FOR A PROGRAM THAT HASN’T AIRED YET: CBS, for its hillbillies-in-Beverly-Hills reality program.
-- WORST FOR ONE THAT DID: Paris Hilton does barnyard.
-- THAT WAS DISGUSTING -- LET’S SWITCH OVER TO MTV, MOTHER. To Sting for his profane prize acceptance speech, and Britney and Madonna for bookending it.
-- BEST GRIP ON THE FAMILY VALUES NEWS PEG, POSTHUMOUS DIVISION: Strom Thurmond.

EVEN IN A JOB-HOPPERS’ PROFESSION LIKE THIS ONE, THAT’S A THICK PORTFOLIO. The journalism archive of St. Bonaventure University’s Friedsam Memorial Library has accepted a bequest of more than 5,000 newspaper mastheads, collected over 50 years, says Jim Brown, SBU ’72. Read: http://www.sbu.edu/insidebonas/nov03/nov_07a.html

WELL, AT LEAST RUSH LIMBAUGH WON'T KICK ABOUT IT, ESPECIALLY SINCE NO TAXPAYER FUNDS WERE SPENT. The Cartier Foundation for Contemporary Art underwrote a display in Paris on the theme Yanomami: Spirit of the Forest. Various artists interpreted an Indian village of the Amazon.
Especially one guy. Art News (January 2004) says:
"Video artist Gary Hill, who lives in Seattle, drew his inspiration by inhaling the hallucinogenic powder used by Yanomami shamans to invoke powerful spirits. In his installation, a two-sided screen showed the artist hanging upside down and reciting a text backward."

COMIX SECTION. The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, ace photographer for the Chagrin Falls commercial Scimitar, and His Faithful Companion Typo the Wonder Pig.
PANEL ONE: Speed and Typo scan the newsroom bulletin board. Speed remarks, "Gosh, Typo, what's that one up there with the dagger stuck through it?"
PANEL TWO: Typo murmurs, "Oh, Absentee Publisher Gimlet Peen's just doubling the reward on whoever juiced the stockholder's meeting punchbowl! Don't worry, Boss, I'll never tell!"
PANEL THREE: Speed reads, "Look, Typo! A job posting!"
PANEL FOUR: Speed continues: "'...Nightside street reporter who can edit science page during the day, coach company coed curling team, drive 18-wheeler, speak Urdu, draw three daily comic strips, make flawless souffle, neck 15, sleeve 33. We already have a strong candidate in mind.' Gee, Typo, did you apply?"
PANEL FIVE: Speed remonstrates, "Who, me? No, Boss! I'm as glad as anyone that the hiring freeze is off, but those San Francisco Examiner hands all got there ahead of me!"

A production of BONG Chief Copyboy Charley Stough, San Antonio Express-News. E-mail bongstuff@yahoo.com.
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